ELLIE JAY

WHAT MAKES AN ALIEN ANYWAY?

Alina was by the park when she first spotted the spaceship. It hovered above her, bleeping ominously. She craned her neck, peering upwards, with one hand clasped firmly to the top of her head. The glow-in-the-dark deely boppers she sported were forever threatening to slip to the floor, but without them, her Halloween look fell apart.

She was an alien. In a silver sparkly jumpsuit and green rubber mask. She had saved up for this costume ever since last Halloween when it had been the coolest thing ever. That only made the flying saucer more exciting. What was it? A prop? A projection from a screen somewhere? How did she get one for next year?

“Hey, dork! What’cha staring at?”

With the loud, obnoxious voice came a great, spotted face that loomed over her, blocking her view.

She sighed. “Nothing, Bobby.”

Privately, she thought Bobby’s round, acne-scarred face looked exactly like a cratered-moon. Where was her moon-blasting laser gun again? Oh, right, in dad’s shed, waiting for him to hot glue the flimsy plastic handle back on…

Bobby interrupted her thoughts by grabbing her mask and twanging it back against her face.

“Aren’t you a little old for playing dress-up?” He sneered.

She glared. She hated him. Oh, how she hated him. Every day at school, he tormented her. And every day, she wished he would drop dead.

Suddenly, Bobby turned a startling shade of green. Strange. He didn’t seem unwell… Alina took a step back, nervous that he might vomit on her. It had happened before. Then she realised that his clothes were green, too. And so was the street around them.

Bobby’s eyes were bulging out of his head.

The greenness enveloped her, and her feet began to part ways with the ground. She let out a startled yelp and struggled, shaking her limbs in a furious attempt to regain control of her body.

Paying her no heed, it continued to drift gently upwards.

Slowly, she tilted up her head to see the spaceship wobbling from side-to-side, bleeping furiously. The beam of green light was coming directly from it. With some kind of bizarre mechanical gurgle, it swallowed her up.

THUMP!

She landed abruptly on a smooth, cold metal floor. Blinking and rubbing her eyes to try and recover from the startlingly bright lights, Alina tried to get her bearings again.

“Child.” A voice called out to her.

As her vison cleared, it became apparent that a short, squat figure was standing over her. It had silvery-grey skin and sharp, slanted red eyes. Otherwise, it was human in shape. One hand was extended towards her in a gesture of goodwill, ready to help her up.

She stared, her mouth dropping open. “You’re… You’re… naked!” In an ideal world, she would have asked some intelligent question about aliens, this being, as far as she was aware, a ‘first contact’ kind of scenario. Unfortunately, the part of her brain that was, very firmly, twelve-years-old, took over.

The alien contrived to look hurt. “Now, dear, we have had this conversation before. Your mother and I are from different cultures. What is ‘normal’ to her and to you is uncomfortable for my kind.”

“Huh? I don’t know you!” Alina protested, confused.

Another, harsher voice cut in, “Don’t you talk to your father that way!”

It was accompanied by a sharp hiss, as the wall behind the grey alien slid upwards and another being bustled in, scolding as it did so.

Alina could only think of the newcomer as being something from her prized comic book collection. Specifically, She-Hulk. She was at least six feet tall, with bulging muscles, curves that made her gender instantly obvious and skin that just happened to be the same shade of green as the cheap rubber Halloween mask on Alina’s own face. Two antennae protruded from her head like deely boppers. Surprisingly, she was clad in a rather fetching blue dress.

“Uh…” Was all the young girl could say.

“Well?” The mother alien crossed her arms. “What do you need to say?”

“I… I’m sorry…”

“So I should think! And where have you been, young lady? What have we said about ejecting to explore odd planets before? You have to take an adult, or at least an android! I’m not having another repeat of Mars! It must have aged me ye—”

“No. I mean. I’m sorry, but there must have been some mistake!” Alina regained control of her vocal cords and tried to hastily explain herself. Under the alien’s glare, she peeled off her rubber mask. “See? I’m a human. I’m not your daughter. I’m sorry!” The last apology tacked itself on automatically, out of sheer awkwardness.

The green woman squinted at the girl. She took a step closer, leaning down to peer at her. It was now that Alina noticed her eyes were very small and almost completely white.

“Is this a trick? You can’t fool me, Klorini!” She batted at the deely boppers irritably.

With the customary splintering noise made by very cheap plastic, one snapped off and whizzed across the floor, scraping on the metal as it went. It hit the wall with a clang and … was eaten. What Alina had assumed was a wall turned out to be something between a garbage disposal and a robot.

“Darling! Look what you’ve done! Are you hurt, dear?!” The father alien, who had lapsed into silence, was spurred into action now. He hurried over and clumsily patted Alina’s head, his forehead wrinkled with what she assumed was a frown.

“Oh! Oh blast! I am sorry, child!” The mother alien clapped a hand to her mouth in horror. “Is it bad? Look, look! A part of you has come off! We must summon the medic!” She scurried across the room with a sense of urgency.

“It’s fine, really.” Alina was rather bashful at this point, embarrassed by the misunderstanding and by all the attention. “Look, it’s just a headband, it comes right off.” With that, she pulled the headband off and waved it hopefully.

With great care, the grey alien plucked it from her fingers and held it up, close to his face. He inspected it slowly.

“Dear… I think it has happened again…” He said, at length.

“Oh blast! I’ll swing for that wretched computer! Asking it to scan for specific beings is next to useless!” The green woman tutted sharply.

“Excuse me…”

“What is the matter? Do not be concerned, human. We will return you to where we found you, and we can arrange a mind wipe if… All this, has been too much for you.”

Alina was looking rather thoughtful now. “It’s not that,” she admitted slowly, “it’s just that you don’t seem to be able to see very well. After all, you mistook me for your child and you’re really squinting… Do you need an eye test?”

“What is this … ‘Eye test’ of which you speak?” The grey alien asked, lowering the plastic from in front of his face.

The child hopped up from the floor with shocking speed and elegance, considering her usual ungainliness. “I’ll show you! My mum’s an optician, she’ll help you!” Her grin was enormous. “All you have to do is fly me home! I’ll do the rest. But please show me around your spaceship first!” Now that the awkward situation was over, she was full of excitement again.

“Okay, tiny human. But first you will explain to us how you came to look this way. We have seen your kind. They do not resemble me,” The mother alien pointed out.

“Oh! It’s a costume! We have this holiday called Halloween. You get to dress up, eat sweets and have fun! I love it. Only some people think I’m ‘too old for it’…” She looked down with a little scowl.

“Yes. That horrible male human. I saw.” The woman’s voice was cold now. “But I do not believe anyone can be ‘too old’ for fun. When we return you, you should enjoy this ‘Halloween’ festival.”

“Uh… Yeah, no. I think my parents might be a tad distracted, I won’t get out and about again tonight.”

“How odd. Anyway, shall we?” She extended an arm, gesturing at the ship full of possibilities.

A few moments later, the flying saucer was hovering over Alina’s house, with one very excited child sat in the bridge, watching the grey alien at the controls.

“Alright, alright! Now how do we get down?”

Alina would come to regret asking that, as at the mere punch of a button, all three beings found themselves whistling through the air. She let out a piercing scream and flailed desperately. The ground was coming up fast!

A green hand seized her and there was a sudden splash!

When Tony, Alina’s completely human and rather tired father came to the door to investigate, his daughter was surfacing from the pool.

In a rather bedraggled Halloween costume that had cost too much.

With two aliens floating in the water.

Wait, what?!

“What on Ear— What the… WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?!”

“I thought you said this was the right house?” The baffled father alien said.

“It is. Only I don’t think dad was expecting us…” Alina admitted guilty as she pushed wet hair out of her face and paddled her way to the edge of the pool.

“I really don’t kn—” Tony began to speak again, then stopped abruptly. The two aliens had hauled themselves out of the pool.

“We apologise, sir. We appear to have accidentally abducted your daughter.” As he began to surface from his stunned silence and turn an angry shade of red, the green woman raised a giant hand in a gesture of calm.

“The matter has been resolved. However, it appears the issue is with our sight. She indicated that your mate could resolve this?”

“Wh… Huh? Oh. Oh. Yes. Of course.” He was beginning to recover his salesman composure. With a glance at his daughter, he gestured to the door. “Come on in. I’ll fetch her.”

And with that, he trotted off to tell his wife that there were two dripping wet aliens in their living room who wanted an eye test.

Natalie rallied rather well. After the initial fainting, she offered the bizarre pair a towel and the use of the spare room. In the morning, before it got light, she drove to her office. Thankful to be the first there, she unlocked and tip-toed inside, unusual companions in tow.

It was the hardest job she had ever done. The little grey man had no pupils, and his head was too big for most of her frames, and the large green lady had the tiniest eyes she had ever encountered, but Natalie had her professional pride.

A couple of hours later, her oddest clients yet were satisfied customers. She was just placing their new glasses into neat little cases and talking them through the proper use and maintenance of them, when she heard the tinkle of the door. Her assistant had arrived.

She froze.

“Do not be concerned, we will make our own way out.” The cases were plucked from her hands, there was a shimmer of blue light and the two aliens vanished.

“Nat? You in?” A voice called.

“In here, Wanda! Just… Ah, tidying up!” She snapped out of her trance, put on her professional voice, and replied.

And everything went back to normal.

At least, for Natalie. For her daughter, whose ruined Halloween costume was 

Elli proudly hung in her wardrobe, the memories would last forever. She didn’t care now if she wasn’t ‘cool’ because she liked Aliens and Comics and Halloween. It had all been validated and confirmed, just for her.

Besides, at morning break at school, a UFO hovered over the dark corner of the playground that was Bobby’s hunting ground. It was only there for a second. No one else saw it.

But after break, no one could find Bobby, either.

Ellie Jay    ©    2024